Glass toys are so elegant. I love the way they look. I do have one complaint, though. They all claim to be dishwasher safe. I don’t have a dishwasher, but if I did, I wouldn’t be putting my dildos in there with my bowls and plates and cutlery. It just seems wrong.
In December 2010, I had a story published in Best Bondage Erotica 2011, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. The story I wrote, “Sealed for Freshness,” was inspired by my friend Claire. I’d asked my Twitter followers for some ideas for an S&M story I was writing, and Claire suggested Saran-wrap bondage. Her suggestion reminded me of a scene I’d witnessed at a fetish party a year or so earlier, where a dominatrix had bound her submissive in plastic wrap and left him against a pole with a sign that told others to tickle him. With that in mind, I sat down and wrote. And I couldn’t resist naming my story’s lead character after Claire, as a weird thank-you for the inspiration. Below is an excerpt from the story:
With Mitchell encased practically from head to toe, I put away the plastic wrap and then circled his body, taking in his appearance from every angle. I had him trapped in layer upon layer of strong plastic film, but I could still make out his body’s natural lines and curves through the thin sheets. It excited me immensely, and I paused long enough to rub my cunt through my leather, just to take the edge off. Then it was time to play.
Walking across the room, I picked up my favorite flogger and a red ball-gag. “Come here,” I ordered, my voice stern but my eyes, I’m certain, giving away my amusement at his predicament. Mitchell blanched at the command, but he had no choice, and so he attempted to obey, his feet wiggling and toes reaching as he tried to cross the room. The task was nearly impossible—-we both knew it—-but like any good submissive, he did his bet, and he’d traveled almost a full yard before I ordered him to stop wasting my time with his snail-like pace and went to meet him instead.
My flogger in one hand, I traced the other over Mitchell’s body, running it along his ass and over his cock, which was becoming erect and pushing against its plastic prison. I grinned and imagined just how hard his cock would become once I started his punishment—-and how hard it would strain to break through the plastic. Mmm, I thought, this will be fun!
The people at Sportsheets are some of the nicest to work with, and they always provide me with more samples than a girl can handle. When I wrote about their Impressions Paddles, they sent me the whole line. The one with BITCH carved into it resides in a vase in my apartment and makes for some interesting conversations when I have guests. There’s nothing like having a constant stream of “product testers” pass through the apartment—-after all, everyone wants to see if the paddle will really leave a mark. (FYI, it does. Every time.) The paddle that reads OUCH hangs on my desk. I like to think of it as a warning sign akin to “Do not feed the bears,” though mine clearly warns others to not annoy the editrix.
My parents subscribe to Penthouse Forum to read my news and reviews columns. When my first issue came out, my mom called to ask about a product I’d reviewed. I got nervous. No one wants their mother asking about sex toys. Not even me. But it wasn’t a dildo or cockring that caught Mom’s attention. It was the Bad Girlfriend Voodoo Doll. She thought it was the most hysterical product ever and asked if she could have it. Instead of sending Mom the promo doll, I bought her and Dad the Bad Husband and Bad Wife versions. They live happily in my parents’ curio cabinet, along with all the other gag gifts I’ve sent them over the years, their collection of Buddhas, touristy shot glasses, and a couple of ceramic roosters. It’s like a miniature version of my apartment in their house.
When one of my best friends, Justine Joli, had her feet molded by Topco for a cool Penthouse toy, I was lucky enough to go with her to do some press. Lainie, the publicist for Penthouse, invited me to do The Derek and Romaine Show on the Sirius Out-Q network. It was such a blast! I was introduced as the “foot toy expert,” and I got to talk about Justine’s new toy (the first set of feet molded from an adult star—-and the first truly fuckable pair of fetish feet), how to enjoy foot play, and why people dig feet so much. I’d done news for my college radio station, but being on Sirius, in a real studio, on a show that people were actually listening to (we took callers and everything) was a much bigger deal. Afterward, Lainie took me to dinner and we had a fabulous night talking about writing, being redheads, and life in the porn industry. It was a night I’ll never forget—-and I have Justine’s feet on my desk for a daily reminder of the good times.